Why Do I Flip My Lid

Rewiring Your Nervous System with Love (Part 3)

“Sista-boss” is the nickname our survivor artisans call Madison, the Director of Not I But We. I think it reflects the daily dance she performs beautifully – a 2-step between compassion and correction - as she leads our trauma informed office. It can get spicy at Not I But We; survivors of trafficking have a long list of survival tactics from fighting, to stealing, to addiction that don’t just go away because they’ve been rescued. To be staff here, you must be convinced that people are not their behavior.

“People aren’t wicked, they are just strangers to their own goodness.” - Fr. Gregory Boyle

Toxic Shame 

As if trauma wasn’t bad enough, it’s almost always twisted through with toxic shame, blinding survivors to their own goodness. “I did something bad,” easily becomes, “I am bad.” Wholeness will always elude folks who are convinced they’re rotten at the core. So, it’s part of our job to help survivors see what we see.

“We are asked to see the unshakeable goodness in the other and this changes all we view. We see wholeness, and it helps all of us rewire, not just the traumatized.” Fr. Gregory Boyle

Reacting to Trauma

Empowering our survivor artisans with the “why” behind inexplicable and over-the-top behaviors offers them just enough perspective to stop blaming themselves and begin the work of rewiring their nervous systems with love. I’m going to guess that our artisans are not alone is asking themselves: “Why did I just do that?” Understanding how our nervous systems react to trauma is deeply empowering. Knowing that shame causes the same explosive reactions as trauma is revelatory. Yep, your body cannot metabolize trauma… or shame! 

[Remember, guilt is focused on behavior: “I did something wrong.” Shame is focused on self: “I am all wrong.”]

Imagine a little girl who had a father with a hot, unpredictable temper. She learned to be perfect around him. She cleared the table, did the dishes, and stayed quiet to avoid being hit. (This is the protective nervous system state called ‘fawn’.) Each time she is smacked or berated, trauma and shame are stored in the database of her mind and body. 

Imagine this little girl is all grown up, and she takes a job at Not I But We. Sista-boss had a rough morning. We’re behind on an order. The headbands that our grown-up little girl made are done wrong. Sista-boss looks disappointed and huffs, just like the girl’s father used to before he’d backhand her. But, Sista-boss doesn’t hit; she just offers criticism and instructions to fix the headbands. 

Our Threat Detector

Unconsciously, in a fraction of a second, the threat detector part of the grown-up little girl’s brain mined every instance she’d felt the shame of being huffed at and the trauma of being hit. Her brain screams to her nervous system: YOU ARE IN LIFE THREATENING DANGER! Of course, she’s not: Sista-boss would never yell, hit or use shame as a weapon, but the threat detector part of her brain cannot tell the difference between real danger, perceived danger or imagined danger. Neither can yours. 

So, in that fraction of a second, adrenaline and cortisol flood her body, and she’s moved into the nervous system survival state of ‘fight or flight’. This will allow her body to move lightning fast and avoid the fist that surely must be coming at her face. Any parts of her body she doesn’t need to survive begin to go offline: Her ability to attune to a human voice lessens as the muscles in her ears constrict. She can’t hear Sista-boss saying sorry. Her thinking brain (pre-frontal cortex) gets harder to access, therefore; it’s harder to speak, to access logic, to understand, to make decisions. 

If she could bring her thinking brain back online, she’d perceive that Sista-boss is not her abusive father. She’d see the loving concern on her face. She’d realize she’s safe. But, she cannot access her pre-frontal cortex. No one has taught her the skills to calm the threat detector part of her brain and bring her thinking brain back online. So, she officially ‘flips her lid’! Her prefrontal cortex has gone out to lunch.  All she knows is that she’s not so little anymore, and she’s bigger than Sista-boss. Unconsciously, her body chooses the survival state of “fight”, and she takes a swing!

There’s a reason we have a "Compassion Room" in our office – a place dedicated to calming the threat detector part of the brain and bringing that prefrontal cortex back online. This is called integration, and it helps us process stress and pain more quickly, allowing it to leave our systems. Instead of having to avoid our negative emotions or be their captive, the goal is to change our relationship to them. 

Brain integration 101: 

The 1st goal is to sense when we are about to ‘flip our lids.’

The 2nd goal is to have an automatic practice we reach for in these moments.

One of our survivor/artisans had a rough morning. She had a triggering conversation and now she was running late for work.  As she got in the crowded taxi van, her breathing sped up; her heart raced. She felt she was going to ‘flip her lid’ right there and fall apart surrounded by strangers.

But, she makes our mindfulness bracelets and remembered the CALM bracelet, designed specifically to bring the prefrontal cortex back online. 

“First is the cluster of 5 beads”: So, she named 5 things she could see.

“Then comes 4 beads”: She touched 4 things near her, naming them.

“Next are 3 beads”: She listened for 3 things she could hear.

“Then 2 beads”: She found 2 things she could smell.

“Last is the final bead”: She thought of something she could taste, taking a bite of her packed lunch.

Then, she focused on slowing her breath.

 

When she arrived at work, she was beaming with pride as she told us the whole story. In our office, this is miracle worthy of celebration! This woman, with a  traumatized nervous system had:

• Attuned to her dysregulated nervous system, understanding what was happening inside her.
• Brought her prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) back online by doing a sensory inventory.
• Calmed the threat-detector part of her brain by slowing and focusing on her breath. 

Gone were disempowering beliefs of: “Well, I’m just extra.” Instead, she understood the physiological reasons for her reactive emotions and so could work with them. I don’t know many adults from healthy upbringings who can integrate their brains at critical moments and practice such emotional intelligence. But, I really wish I did. 

“What you don’t transform, you transmit.” – Fr. Richard Rohr

We seem to live in a world that has ‘flipped its lid’. Politicians and news outlets exploit our nervous systems with fear to get our votes and views. Social media has us addicted to fight and flight hormones, fueling outrage and despair. As a species, we’ve imposed our chaotic inner world onto the outer world, transforming it into our dysregulated image.

We must all do the work

At Not I But We, we’ve come to realize that no one is exempt from this terrifying and wonderful work of being human. We must all rewire our nervous systems with love for the sake of ourselves, those in our lives, and for the good of the world we all share. It may be a lofty dream for the world, but it’s a very attainable one for you and I. 

“We attend to not to what has arrived but what is being stitched. We orient our attention to what matters, regulating our systems in order to do that, and persevering in service to the world we want to be part of bringing into being...” – Krista Tippet

Written by Tonya Stanfield

Suggested practices: 

Calm Bracelet – The Sensory Inventory brings your thinking brain back online. Read this blog post to learn more about it. 

Welcome Bracelet – A powerful practice that helps you release difficult emotions in a healthy way. Learn more here: